Regardless of whether you have discovered infidelity or are hurting from your spouse’s sex or porn addiction, betrayal creates self-doubt and self-blame. Painful self-examination and self-questioning are natural and common consequences of the lack of control we feel when traumatic events happen. Looking to the past to determine what we could have done, if only we had known then what we know now, creates a false sense of control. It is only the illusion of control, but it gives us something to hang onto when we so desparately want to understand how this could happen to us. Although self-blame may be a normal reaction to relational trauma, getting stuck there does not take us forward on the healing path. It will be a delicate tightrope act but your task will be to accept the reality of what has happened, search for some way to make sense of the past without
What’s Wrong With Me?
What’s wrong with me, that the lies went on so long and I didn’t have a clue?
What’s wrong with me, that I picked a man like this in the first place?
Once the denial has ended and we see the truth, we sometimes begin to ask ourselves questions like these.
How could I have been so stupid?
Questions like these are simply one more way to blame ourselves. And we don’t deserve the blame for a situation we didn’t create. We didn’t cause his behavior.
Let us repeat that as often as we need to in order to convince ourselves: We didn’t cause it.
But sometimes we still need to understand why we were so easily deceived, why we stayed in denial as long as we did. That is how the process of spiritual healing can help. The healing journey asks us to look at ourselves, to take the focus off our partner long enough to find the face of our own dysfunction. We seek the truth about what made us such perfect partners in this dance of deceit. And when we know the truth, we no longer need to be a part of the deception.
Today I begin a journey that will help me see why I am in this relationship. I will begin this journey not to blame myself, but to take responsibility for myself and my happiness. I didn’t cause this misery. But I can cause it to end.
From Surviving Betrayal: Hope and Help for Women Whose Partners Have Been Unfaithful * 365 Daily Meditations by Alice May
Dr Janice Caudill is the founder and Clinical Director of McKinney Counseling & Recovery. MCR offers individual, couples, group therapy and 3-day intensives for partners of sex addicts and wounded hearts struggling with sex or porn addiction, infidelity, love addiction or love avoidance, intimacy anorexia, or relational and betrayal trauma in the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Richardson, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and surrounding areas.
All content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, does not create a client-therapist relationship, and is not a substitute for care by a trained professional. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. The owner will not be liable for any errors, omissions, losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.
Via: Dr. Janice Caudill